Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly

157 quotes

53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

They should all join the brothers of the beige. The Beige sisters of premenstrual agony.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."