Quotes and Jokes by Billy Connolly

Sir William Connolly, CBE is a Scottish stand-up comedian, musician, presenter, actor and artist. He is sometimes known, especially in his homeland, by the Scots nickname "The Big Yin".

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 150)

#1

Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

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#2

53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!

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#3

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

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#4

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

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#5

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

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#6

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

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#7

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

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#8

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

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#9

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

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#10

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

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#11

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

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#12

Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!

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#13

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

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#14

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

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#15

Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.

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