Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly

157 quotes

53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.