Quotes & Jokes by Bob Newhart / page 2

80 quotes

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.

Doormen are kind of invisible, people don't know their names. They just say, Thank you, or Good morning. I'd never thought about doormen before. They're a vanishing breed. More electronic doors are being introduced.

My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.

Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.

I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.

Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.