Quotes & Jokes by Chelsea Handler / page 2

265 quotes

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.

Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?

Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.