Quotes & Jokes about California

28 quotes

Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

I was born in Honduras, that's where I was born. I live in California, where no matter what you say, you're Mexican. You understand that? It doesn't matter what you say. See - you don't understand that, white people, because wherever you go, you're white. You're here, you're white. You go to L. A., you're white. You go to Denver, you're white. You go to Miami, you're still white. In L. A. I'm a Mexican, In Florida, I'm a Cuban. In New York, I'm a Puerto Rican. And when I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'

I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.