Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 4


Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.

A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to kill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.

The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' - they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.

Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.