Quotes & Jokes by David Spade

97 quotes

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!

I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.