Quotes & Jokes by David Spade
I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.
Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.
MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.
But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!