Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Murphy / page 2

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.

Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.

I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.

I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.

There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!

In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.