Quotes & Jokes by Ellen DeGeneres

223 quotes

I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would seriously consider faking' it.

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.

It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.

Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.