Quotes & Jokes by George Burns

108 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

At my age flowers scare me.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.