Quotes & Jokes by George Burns
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Young. Old. Just Words.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
At my age flowers scare me.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
I get a standing ovation just standing.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.
Life's but a day at most.