Quotes & Jokes by George Burns

108 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

At my age flowers scare me.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.