Quotes & Jokes by George Burns

108 quotes

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

At my age flowers scare me.