Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 2


I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.