Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 2

228 quotes

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"