Quotes and Jokes by Louie Anderson

Louis Perry Anderson is an American stand-up comedian, actor and television host. Anderson created the cartoon series Life with Louie and has written four books, including Hey Mom: Stories for My Mother, But You Can Read Them Too, which was published in 2018.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 22)

#1

My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up.

30
#2

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

24
#3

Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.

15
#4

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

5
#5

A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?

5
#6

After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.

4
#7

I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.

4
#8

I have a cousin Ernie who buys stuff. He's got a big snowblower that's actually the biggest snowblower you can buy, with a remote control, so he doesn't even have to go outside. He's got the microwave and a satellite dish, it's all in one. He cooks and watches at the same time.

4
#9

We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.

3
#10

My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.

2
#11

My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.

2
#12

I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.

2
#13

Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.

1
#14

Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.

1
#15

I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.

1