Quotes & Jokes by Shelley Berman


If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.

I developed several comedy phone calls.

A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.

I am careful with my material and presentation.