Quotes and Jokes by Shelley Berman

Sheldon Leonard Berman was an American comedian, actor, writer, teacher, lecturer and poet. In his comedic career, Berman was awarded three gold records and he won the first Grammy Award for a spoken comedy recording in 1959.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 31)


If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.


I developed several comedy phone calls.


A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”


The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.


A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.


Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.


I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.


My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.


The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.


But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.


The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.


As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.


A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”


Items I noticed on a recent cross-country tour: Ad in a Louisville newspaper: “for sale cheap - my son's collection of bebop and rock and roll records. If a 14-year-old's voice answers the phone, hang up and call later”. A sign on a runway at the Great Lakes naval station: “Absolutely no flying permitted over nudist camp 6.4 miles SSW on a true course of 167 degrees.” Item in an Indianapolis newspaper: “Miss Jan Carr was overcome by gas while taking a bath. She owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor in her apartment.” Ad in classified column of a University of Cincinnati medical journal: “Will the person who stole the jar of alcohol from Room 303 kindly return my uncle's appendix? No questions asked.”


I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.