Quotes & Jokes by Shelley Berman


The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.

I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.

As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.

I know a husband whose neighbour boasted, “I got a cute little red sports car for my wife yesterday.” “Gosh,” sighed my friend, “I wish I could make a trade like that.”

I am careful with my material and presentation.

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.