Quotes & Jokes by Shelley Berman

If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

I developed several comedy phone calls.

I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.

Today`s audiences are different only insomuch as today`s people are different, and I do not think today`s people are substantially different.

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

A prominent Los Angeles psychiatrist told a patient: “Ridiculous that you should still be frightened of thunder at your age. Thunder is a mere natural phenomenon. Now the next time it storms and you hear a couple of claps of thunder, just do as I do – put your head under a pillow and stuff your ears until the thunder goes away.”

A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside.

The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.