Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 100
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
Nothing matters until you realize that nothing really matters other than helping others who live as if nothing will ever really matter.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew] "Some milk an' cooooooookies!!'".
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!
You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.'
I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.