Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 99

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

Be happy with your stereotype. Asians - that's the stereotype I want. Being the smartest person in the world? You're the smartest, what are you complaining about? You know what I get? 'Wassup?'

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.

"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.

People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"