Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 99

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

Was coming out of the store earlier, I just bought some Oreos and some Chips Ahoy. So I get outside, there's this guy like, 'Hey brother, it's my birthday today.' And that was the first time in my life, without any sarcasm, I could say, 'What? You want a cookie or something?' Because any other time you say that, you being mean, but I meant it from my heart. 'How many cookies you want, man? You want seven cookies? That's way too many cookies. You're being ridiculous right now. You can take, like, three or four cookies and get out of my face. Otherwise you're taking advantage of my generosity.'

And when did mediocrity become excellence in our country? Music is dead in 2011 because Lady Gaga lives. Really? Is that the best we can do? Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, "Poker Face"? This stuttering, growling midget with a speech impediment is music? Really? This vapid, pop cancer, Madonna mini-me? She makes Miley Cyrus look like John Lennon. She makes Jack Lemon look like John Lennon. I'm sorry. And you don't get to claim you're not accepted at a billion hits on YouTube. And you're not an artist just cause you can wear a live chimpanzee as a bra. Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.