Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 101

Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

And the Pope is infallible. We're taught that. Pope can't make a mistake. So I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic Church's money on 17 black.' '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!' That way they could pay off those debts they owe.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Nobody's ever challenged me and tapped into what I can do. I ain't played a villain which I believe I can do and do real well. There hasn't been any director who has been able to challenge me to go there. At this point in my life I've done a lot of things from stand-up to my own television show for five years to successful comedy shows, and concert films.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.