Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 101

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...

It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.