Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

Or is it that I think too much?

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

Rappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.