Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.
I’m sick and tired of people bashing this great land of ours. People call us lazy. We’re not lazy folks. We’ve only been in this country for 300 years. We’ve built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We’re not lazy, we’re done.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn’t quite master the bulimia.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.