Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.