Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?
If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck.
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.
Thirty-six percent of Americans say that they've heard the voice of God. It's not clear of that 36% how many people are mistaking the voice of God for the voice of Morgan Freeman. That's an easy mistake to make.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.
Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.