Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.