Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".
They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?