Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.

You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I had this whole impression in my head that Arabic was such a horrible language coz its always like "*arab accent* khakhli o kha" no wonder their people are so angry, they are vomiting on each other when they talk.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.