Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.
Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you’re crowning?
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?