Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Money, Mate. He played around with the title for a while: We're All Fucking Monkeys; You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate; Get Out of My Face, You Fucking Monkey. And he ended up with On The Origin of Species.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.