Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1012
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.