Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I’m fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.