Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

This year, I will hug my wife more. Or have my assistant hug her more for me.

If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.