Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.
I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.
They used to have a smoking section at the airport. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. You’re in a nicotine terrarium. There ought to be a sign that says, “The addict in his natural environment.”
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.
I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.