Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.
I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.