Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1013

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.