Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
Initially, he was a little apprehensive. I think now he's a lot more relaxed. He's like a duck to water, though he can play anywhere.
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don’t necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don’t think it comes from happiness, that’s for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”
All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, "Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup." "Dude, you're a genius!"
Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner - guy hanging out in front of Home Depot - and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude driving the Home Depot car is white. That pisses me off. White people, that's our car, bitch. You put a beaner in the Home Depot car. We need to be driving that car. White people don't need to be driving a Home Depot car. White people should be driving the car sponsored by Saltines.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.