Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'
And the Pope is infallible. We're taught that. Pope can't make a mistake. So I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic Church's money on 17 black.' '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!' That way they could pay off those debts they owe.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.