Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 102
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
You're all gonna die. Then you'll be dead for way longer than you're alive, like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!
"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.