Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 103
The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.
He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.
Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.