Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.

You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.