Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'
It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.