Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.