Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

I love performing in front of all you wonderful people. But really, this isn’t all that. What I really want is my own show. But the BBC have very strict guidlines about ethnicity. Apparently I’ve got to wait for Lenny Henry to die.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."