Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...

I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.