Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1045

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I was the hallway clown in high school.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.