Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.