Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.