Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."

(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.