Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!