Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1046
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.
I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”