Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044

When we’re picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

I actually like talking.