Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I'd love that. But I don't need to be. I just want to be here. That's it.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’  I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.