Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.

If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.

They come over and they go, 'Why don't you come over on Friday night? We're gonna have a bunch of people over. We're gonna have game night. It's gonna be nutty.' Unless we're playing 'Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?' I'm not gonna make it, OK? 'Cause that's my favorite game.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.