Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044
One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’ I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.