Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, "Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy." 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.