Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
People love gossip. It's the biggest thing that keeps the entertainment industry going.
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!