Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I actually like talking.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.