Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.