Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
Lindsay Lohan fell in love while in rehab. Who wouldn’t? You share meals together, gaze into each other’s eyes, talk about your feelings and share one romantic sunset after another - for roughly $50,000 a month. Pretty pricey, considering a month of eHarmony.com is only $21.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.
I like how, when you're talking to someone, the phrase, "I'm sure you understand," really means, "And I don't give a fuck what you think."
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.