Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047

I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

You are what you do. It's about actions.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.