Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’  I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.