Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. Boom! Friends for life!

If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

It's no different. It's not like I ever cursed around my mother or anything. I never had a hard time turning it on and off. It's like you enter another country - sometimes you're in a cursing country and then you're in a kid's country.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and, well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy-petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.