Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

I lapsed into rude.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, "for your convenience." It's like getting punched in the throat, "for your comfort."

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

This show is our own personal beliefs.