Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048
You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’ I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.
You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.