Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Always turn your wheel in the direction of the skid.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

I lapsed into rude.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.