Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 105

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity - the only thing that most students really desire - is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.

I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight."

I’m a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn’t work out I can always try gardening.

The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: "I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!"

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.