Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 104
When they turn 26, women start asking really weird questions like, "Where are we? Where are we?" Bitch, we at Red Lobster. Why you tripping?
The interesting thing about improvisation is you're making something up in front of the audience. Now music helps you out a little bit because you have an instrument that'll separate you from the audience.
Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher.
'I hate to do this, but the organization is going in a different direction,' but that everything I did was fine.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym!
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.
My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”