Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 106
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.
You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.'
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.
I love dogs because there's no filter mechanism between the dog's brain and its tail. There's no filter there. Like, if the dog is happy, the tail is wagging; if the tail is wagging, the dog is happy. There's no passive aggressive shit like humans, like, "Oh this douchebag thinks I'm happy to see him".
You’re so beautiful like a tree or a high class prostitute.
You can't say minimum wage to people when they're asking you questions. "What are you making now?" "Minimum wage. Yeah. Lowest amount legally possible. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Oh, they'd like to pay me less. But they can't. Legally they can't. I win! I'm the winner!"
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'