Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 108
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."
My brother hates gay people - hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
What is that fucking dot on Indian guy's heads? I know what it is. It's a camera. That's why they work at 7-11. Don't steal shit. They got your ass on camera.
I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.