Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 107
My favourite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides coloured eggs.
When they turn 26, women start asking really weird questions like, "Where are we? Where are we?" Bitch, we at Red Lobster. Why you tripping?
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.'
Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fucking luck wit' me!
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up... blah blah blah blah blaaaaah."