Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 107
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.
I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?'
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I have more love in me than not, I have more hope in me than not, and I have more faith than I used to. I just want to get out of the way of what I've been given, so I can do it right.
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.