Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 107
Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I don't know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.
If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Today when kids receive their confirmations you have to give them a contract that you're going to buy them a car. I wanted a bicycle, and as I got a little order I was told Santa Claus might bring me a bicycle. Then one year my father borrowed a bicycle at Christmas, put it under the tree and I rode it all that day. The next day it wasn't there. "Where's my bicycle?" My father said, "Somebody stole it." Then I'd see an other kid on the street, and he'd have a bike. What I didn't know was that all the fathers were doing the same thing - the were all using one bicycle.
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.
In today's world, you would call my father mostly unaccessible. I'm not sure that isn't true of most fathers at that time. He went through the Depression. I don't know what that would have done to my psyche.
I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
"We'll keep you in our thoughts" With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.