Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.
There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.