Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a "good time".
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
[while snow-skiing with his family]<br /> I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.