Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.