Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1096

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.