Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 112

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?'

I would have let a lot of people out of prison. I would start scaling back, I'd fire lots whole branches of government. I would bring troops back from every corner of the world. Politics is fucked beyond parties. With flat-form issues, people should be figuring shit out for themselves. I think I'd make a better terrorist than a president. I'm putting all my motivation into the wrong avenue.

Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

Golf is a lot like stand-up comedy. You have to suck to get good in the long run and I have always loved a challenge like that. The shoes are funny and always keep me laughing, especially when I suck extra hard!

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

First class mail sucks. What is third class mail? They must strap a letter on the back of a mental patient and he wanders aimlessly.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.