Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 112
Our desire was to be annexed into one of the villages of Columbia, but it didn't turn out that way.
For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, 'Damn, that was good!'
Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
Life and mental illness aside, the only reason to stay miserable is life or mental illness.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.
Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.