Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you’re new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.
British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.