Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."
We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.
You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.
Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.