Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153
It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
I wish his [Frank Ocean] music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.
In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.