Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1153

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

No one is immune from being a target.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."