Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1154
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"