Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1154

No one is immune from being a target.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face [A-Team]. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea...

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'