Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176
Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.