Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

My nightmares have coming attractions.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.