Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176
You might be a redneck if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."
I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.
It's rare to find a sentence that includes the word "amputate" that also ends with, "he said with a smile".
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.