Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1176

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

Don’t be intimidated by my outfit, it’s Forever 21.

I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.