Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

They say give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

To me, comedy is a game.

You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.