Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, "Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that’s a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they’ll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you’ll get found there.
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn’t funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.
I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.