Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

You might be a redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.