Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1191
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I got bused to school into a poor white neighborhood. A neighborhood worse than the one I lived in. And everybody’s scared of black people, everybody’s scared of Puerto Ricans. Yo, there ain’t nothing scarier than poor white people… Yo, these muthafuckers, they lived under the trailer home, alright. They weren’t white trash, they’re like white toxic waste.
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.