Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1191

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there’s a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm competitive at everything.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."