Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1191

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

The CMT folks, there was a genuine enthusiasm that I've never had in television before on the executive side.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on "playing to your strength" from a bald guy with a ponytail.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.