Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 122
I have no desire to be hip to the latest black slang and do the stereotypical black thing. I was a Richard Pryor fan, and I have used profanity in my act. But when it becomes a whole thing that defines blacks, we're limiting ourselves. The enemy is us.
The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!
Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs. If we'd tried to milk another year out of the series, we'd have wound up with a pig.
All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.