Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 122
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, "You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck."
Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.
I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It’s surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.
You know I am glad he is an atheist. Because wouldn't it be great that while he is doing his little tree thing, I know they do a lot of work with breezes, through the woods a huge sweaty guy with an ax comes long, sees him "chop-chop", puts a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throws him into a sawmill and grinds him up "neeeeee", then you pound him down into paper, and once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.