Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 122
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?
For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words "common sense".
It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape isn't up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.