Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.
I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.
My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'
A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
My father always dressed nice, and he always wore shades and a hat. Plus he always wore shined shoes. He taught me: “Always get there before you get there.” That means always dress nice. Even if you’re not the most handsome man in the world, you must have handsome characteristics, such as a handsome personality and attitude.