Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
We were in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" "Nope, we're fishing for birds." Here's your sign!
I still like doing stand-up now, but it's not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.
Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I don't like the fact that people think Latinos wont vote for an African-American. It's bullshit. Were going to vote for the right person who can restore faith and hope in this country. Latinos feel disenfranchised. Obama's dream is our dream.
The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!