Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.
I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
Boxing kept me out of the streets, by giving me something to do. And it gave me a father figure in the coach that was there for me. I just reiterated what my mother was trying to teach me about focusing and getting my life together.
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. "OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can’t stay here."
The critics try to intellectualize my materiel. There's no satire involved. Satire is a concept that can only be understood by adults. My stuff is straight, for people of all ages.