Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 123
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
My fitness goals are different than most peoples. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.
Whenever I play a role, whether it's good or bad, an evil person or nice person, I believe in being a purist and going all the way with the role. If I'm going to be a villainous wrestler, I believe in going all the way with it and not breaking character and not giving away to the audience that I'm playing a role. I believe in playing it straight to the hilt.
Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.