Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.
But there's only so long that shit like that can hang around your apartment before you have to stick your dick in it.
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.
If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart... you might be a rednneck.
[Tequila] is not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.
Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.