Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” <br /> I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.