Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are woman that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I don't know what the fuck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970's. It was like: 'Do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job's yours.'

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.