Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1239

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

[on John McCain] I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I wasn't paying attention, what was wrong with me?