Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) "It's the same sex all the time.”
Being a celebrity you always get really good seats to sporting events but you never get as good seats as the photographers get. And I really love sports. So one of the scams I have going now is I want to learn sports photography so I can get better seats at a sporting event.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.