Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you’re dating a woman who’s so crazy in bed that if you aren’t wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that’s exciting.
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.
If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!
Immigrants have been coming here for a long time. The Americans that are afraid of others coming were immigrants once themselves, so they have a lot of nerve. We have a lot of nerve as a country. The only people that should have xenophobia are Native Americans. Everyone else should shut up.
I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!
If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".
When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. <br /> ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’<br /> ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.