Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 138
There`s a division in most major police departments called, `Special Victims Unit,` which is what sex crimes are euphemistically called. They`re considered the most heinous crimes, when not only do you violate somebody, but you violate them sexually. So it`s an elite squad that takes care of that.
I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey - why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
The universe is not rich enough to buy the vote of an honest man.
I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!