Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 149
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
One plus one equals three. When a man and woman marry they become one never two.
I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.
There are people who believe that humans dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-fuck nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.
You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death!
If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”