Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 149
I went to the gas station the other day, and the gas station attendant said he was a former porno movie star. And I think he was serious because half through filling the tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."
I remember they used to give us a speech in the 1950's. “Children, take these dog tags home, make sure the names and addresses are correct in case of a nuclear holocaust. And if there is a nuclear holocaust there'll be no talking during the holocaust!”
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
Whenever you see riot footage on TV - you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle - you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?