Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.
What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on elephants? … Where'd they get the elephants? There aren't any elephants in Europe. This I got to see … are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the Alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything son.
I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."
I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.
Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."