Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150
I don't like the fact that most black people or black comedians have to present themselves in a flamboyant way. It's good if you can do that, but I don't like to think that's the way all black comedians are. I'm not that type.
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
They went to the Moon and they brought back rock. Trouble is, we've got rock. That was the one thing we didn't need, wasn't it? "Rock, Neil? I don't know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it's made of fucking rock!" "But it's Moon rock …" "Oh, fucking hell, this is Earth rock, Neil, come on! Have you heard, on the stock market, rock's gone up three points? No, it hasn't, has it? 'Cause it's fucking rock!"
I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, "Do you go to the Loop?" He said, "No, I go beep-beep!"
Actually it broke my heart to hear that we were going to have to part ways, ... It's a business and they had to do what they had to do.
So in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family.
The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
When I got older I said, "Pa, I want an automobile." He said, "What do you want an automobile for, when you have the subway. Five cents - the open the door for you, you sit down. Then when you get to the station they open the door and you get out. In a $700 auto who's going to open the door for you?" You couldn't argue - they were never stuck for an answer.