Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150

At my age flowers scare me.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.

I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.