Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 157

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?

In today's world, you would call my father mostly unaccessible. I'm not sure that isn't true of most fathers at that time. He went through the Depression. I don't know what that would have done to my psyche.

They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.