Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 157

Are their Asian girls here?! Minority report!

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The biggest scam I fell for was college. It got me. 'Cause I swear, in high school I was up $40; now I'm down $60,000. All my friends, 'Hey Nore, what was your major?' Bankruptcy, motherfucker.

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.'

I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English - I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!