Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 156
I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.
I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.