Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 156
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
The weatherman gets to curse in Chicago - it's license, it's a law, I'm serious. 'What's the five day outlook? Holy shit. It's cold as fuck out, that's what it is.' And there's a picture of a snowman with his middle finger up.
I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
The biggest scam I fell for was college. It got me. 'Cause I swear, in high school I was up $40; now I'm down $60,000. All my friends, 'Hey Nore, what was your major?' Bankruptcy, motherfucker.
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.'
Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.