Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 158
Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
I’m doing a roast as if the roast was pure rage and I wasn’t there to kid.
Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!
After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.
I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.
To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.
I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.
I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.
This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.
Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?