Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 158
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.
When I look back now I realize I was such an obnoxious kid but, you know, I went to schools like you, like a public school in New York so compared to the anarchy that was going on there, they really wouldn't - I wasn't like a bad kid. I saw people come in and punch the teachers.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'