Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 158

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

The first job I had was at Burger King. I didn't want to call it Burger King, so I used to call it the BK Lounge. If the girls were like, "Where do you work," I was like, "I work down at the BK Lounge. I'm a bouncer." "Can we get in?" "Not without coups."

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

Money's scarce, Times are hard, Here's your fucking Xmas card.

I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’

The weatherman gets to curse in Chicago - it's license, it's a law, I'm serious. 'What's the five day outlook? Holy shit. It's cold as fuck out, that's what it is.' And there's a picture of a snowman with his middle finger up.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

God is a crutch? Yeah, well, not believing in God is a coma.

Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.