Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 158

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

After every school shooting, parents come on television and say: 'Rap music is the problem. And drugs. And the lack of metal detectors.' No. The problem is that a lot of your kids are aggressive dicks and you won't do shit about it. That's the problem.

As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.

My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.