Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 174
My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!
The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
But I said wait a minute, I'm going to get a computer, I can do this as well as anybody else. So I did some studying so I knew what kind of boards to get to put a PC together. But there was a guy sitting there with Apple. I said, 'what's that?' and he goes, 'Apple with 128k, it's all built into the box,' and I bought it. That was my first computer.
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.
You can equate acting to a tennis game: When you're playing one of the best, you get better.
I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.