Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
Mitt Romney wants the Latino vote. He ain't going to get it. He ain't going to get it. And you know why? Because Mitt Romney is a fucking Latino and he won't admit it. His father was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Mitt Romney is a Chicano. But he won’t admit it. “I am not. I am Danish. I am French.”
Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, "Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie."
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.
My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
I used to be an airplane mechanic until they started drug testing. That's when I knew it was time to let that one go. And people ask me about that; they're like, 'Is that true man? Did you really do drugs?' 'Yeah.' 'Why would you do drugs?' 'They work.'
A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'