Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175

That's a very white attitude. You can take a white guy to Africa, and he'd be like, 'Look at all the minorities they got over here. Jesus!'

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Critics noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where his only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.

They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'

I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.