Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 175
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
I used to ask my father, "Can we go on vacation?" He'd say, "Yeah, on the fire escape." One day I was out there when it was raining, and I banged on the fire escape. He said, "I can't hear you, you're on vacation." Then he'd ask, "Do you really want to go on vacation? O. K. The Whole family will go, pack your bag." In those days they had little cowboy bags. I put my shirt in and - we went into the yard. The yard! He said, "Isn't it wonderful that you are here, in India?" I looked at my father like he was cracking up. He said, "It was a wonderful trip on that boat." I said, "This isn't India." He said, "If I say you're in India, you're in India."
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
When we started building out here, we knew this was where we were headed. After we built our first one, we realized a lot of our custom homes would have qualified for Built Green. Some of it's the quality of work, some of it's what the market entails for this type of home: It's what the buyers expect.
If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.
Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.
Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.
Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".
You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.
I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.