Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
I went to University of Illinois. Big school. 35,000 students. 800 black… I was the only black in every class. Hard to be absent.
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.
Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!
Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”