Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.
Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."
New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
And if you made a factor tree of the factors that caused my girl to leave me you'd have a tree... Full of Asian porn.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!
Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.