Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 176
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
You started rapping when you wasn’t good at basketball. I started rapping because I needed Adderall.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, "Oh my God, you're insulting me." That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!" - that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride.
When I got older I said, "Pa, I want an automobile." He said, "What do you want an automobile for, when you have the subway. Five cents - the open the door for you, you sit down. Then when you get to the station they open the door and you get out. In a $700 auto who's going to open the door for you?" You couldn't argue - they were never stuck for an answer.
This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.
You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, "This is art, and you can't do it."
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.
The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.