Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187
I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."
If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest.
If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'
My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.
When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
My grandma used to say "Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn." And I'd say "Shut your fucking Klaxon I'm driving!" Oh we had fun.