Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187
And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.
Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.
Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I had very tough kids when I was a substitute teacher. I never had the kids we see in the ads - “Good golly, Mrs. Dobson, can I mow your lawn, and earn money for that catcher's mitt I've been wanting?” - a refugee from a Norman Rockwell painting. No. I had large, formidable – I had murderers in my class. I had one child in the ninth grade who had to take six months off from school for National Guard duty. He was going to junior hight on the GI Bill.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
'Dancing With the Stars' is so Middle America, and people take it so seriously.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".