Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up tha rotation.

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

The street in the center of town was Butts road. I stole the sign and told the audience, this must be where the assholes live. I also had a Neighborhood Crime Watch - it takes about 20 seconds to break into a house but it took me an hour to unbolt this sign.

I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.

When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

It doesn't burn unless you take too long to blow it out. How true that is, for life in general.

When you go through a tunnel - you're going on a train - you go through a tunnel, the tunnel is dark, but you're still going forward. Just remember that. But if you're not going to get up on stage for one night because you're discouraged or something, then the train is going to stop. Everytime you get up on stage, if it's a long tunnel, it's going to take a lot of times of going on stage before things get bright again. You keep going on stage, you go forward. Every night you go on stage.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbour!"

My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.

I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.