Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 187
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.
Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.